Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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