Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
