Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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