I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
