Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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