My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I AM VODKA MAN
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
