Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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