____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
