just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
