you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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