well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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