he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We left an ass print on the piano.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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