I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
