He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
