When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
