True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize