Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Text me some of your sweat
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