do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
