Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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