I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
