I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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