I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
