I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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