Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
