i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
