The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
