I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize