yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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