You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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