Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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