Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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