Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
