Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
