Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
