I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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