All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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