I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
