Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
