You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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