why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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