Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
be right there i have to get my cape
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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