Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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