the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
