Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
