Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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