my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
sarcasm needs its own font
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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