the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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