I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
