I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
not ubering you a puppy
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
