oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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