This dress was meant to end up on your floor
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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