Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
