Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
