just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
