youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
