yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
