jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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